people whose
wealth does not go beyond a generation.
Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian billionaires like Femi
Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does
Nigeria's wealthy few have a short history, they often have a short
future as well. The money comes "miraculously" and goes just as
"miraculously."
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife
stars and juju musicians eulogised him in their records. But ask a
young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet my bottom
dollar he has never heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his wealth. It is not
identifiable by any major industry or enterprise. His descendants may
still be in litigation over the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly
it is nothing to write home about again. Certainly, nobody is singing
about S.B. Bakare today. There are now new pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built something, developed something,
or made something. At that time, the rich were truly captains of
industry. Alhaji Sanusi Dantata made his fortune in the era of the
groundnut pyramids in the North; buying and shipping them for export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria's largest fleet of inter-city
"mammy-wagons." He also imported "panla" (dried fish) on a large
scale. Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker fleet and a pioneering
charter airline. Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and supplies for
British Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola produced bicycle tires
for the growing army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is no longer the product of
such ventures. Yes, we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike
Adenuga who can still be rightfully described as highly enterprising.
But even more significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth
through "wuru-wuru" and "mago-mago." These men are hardly Nigeria's
Bill Gates.
On the contrary, they don't have a clue what to do with their dubious
wealth, and they are ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they add
little of value to the Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung
today by their horde of parasitical hangers-on, but they will not be
remembered for good when they are gone. As mysteriously as their
wealth materialised, so will it vanish.
These men became rich through some of the following tried and tested
methods, which can be relied upon to lead to one's inclusion in the
Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you want to get rich quick,
here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don't tell anyone I
"wiki-leaked" this highly-classified national secret to you.
Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers used to
be men of the underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint and then
made off with the cash. However, it was soon recognised that this
approach has distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and
jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also became apparent that
banks carry limited amounts of cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only
land you perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is not even enough to
buy or build a house in Banana Island. There is a better way to rob a
bank with far limited risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day without a
gun. When people deposit money in your bank, they don't know that they
are handing over their life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank
you establish in a number of imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money to your bank and then charge it a very
high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow billions from your
bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the money
deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as
branches to your bank at exorbitant prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira until the
EFCC policemen come calling. When they do, you can quickly fall sick,
spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and then relocate to your
village to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again.
Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member of the greatest party in the
history of Africa, you will be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria's
oil wealth. If you are not getting enough attention in the party, make
a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the newspapers and call
Buhari an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only run for re-election
unopposed in 2015, there should be a constitutional amendment to make
him a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign that you are hungry;
and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to "come and chop."
As a distinguished member of this great party, the opportunities open
for you to set yourself up for life are considerable. For example, you
can start collecting billions for petroleum subsidy and simply not
import any petrol whatsoever. You can get the government to change all
car license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of
the new license-plates.
You can ask the president to make you the sole importer and
distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of course, this might
also entail that you become the chairman of his re-election campaign,
to which you duly make a handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can
ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months, you have a
fleet of cars, have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four
hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old "Suzie"
befitting your new status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria's
celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don't get
distracted or carried away. The enemies of Mr. President must always
remain your enemies.
Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or fall on
hard times. Don't go into depression. Just start a church. Make it a
purpose-built church. Think of something that men need. Tell them you
have the anointing to provide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a
billionaire should come to your church. Start a few of your messages
with "Thus says the Lord." Then teach your congregation the
everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they really want God to bless them
financially, they first have to give you as much money as possible.
Create a special prayer group for millionaires and billionaires. That
way, if they get any new government contract they will attribute it to
the efficacy of your prayers and credit something big into your bank
account. Tell everybody to give you their "first-fruits."
That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then come up
with imaginative offerings to collect, such as "prophet's offering,"
(you, of course, being the prophet); "Father, Son and Holy Ghost
offerings;" "Jesus will do it offering."
Very soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preach your
gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani suits and
jerry-curling your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for new
years' eve services; billionaire thieves and robbers will be queuing
up to see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. In
short, you will be living large. For good measure, you will also be
slapping demons out of poor bewitched damsels with impunity.
Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There are many politicians and men
of timber and caliber looking for mules; men who can keep stolen money
for them, or smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is a highly
lucrative job because for every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can
pocket one billion. Don't get greedy and come to the conclusion that
you can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on your tail. Before they kill
you, they will first break your legs. If you are caught while
smuggling money abroad, you can easily escape and come back home
dressed as a woman. Then you can get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a governor, you are set up for
life. You will get 24 hours military protection so that no petty thief
can come near you. You will get to travel all over the world. You will
get free medical check-ups, so that you don't just fall down one day
and die.
That would be disastrous, especially if your sponsor does not know
exactly where you kept his loot, or if he does not have the password
to the secret account you opened for it in the Bahamas in the name of
Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former Nigerian Head of State who allegedly
kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then the mule had a stroke. Every
effort was made to get him to say just a few words, namely the number
of the account where the loot was stashed; but to no avail.
After a few months, the man died. This "national" calamity has
prompted the review of the conditions of service of mules. There are
now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses. Mules must not have
strokes, and under no circumstances should a mule presume to die. If
he does, his generations yet unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other Nigerian approaches to quick
wealth than these, don't hesitate to let me know. I promise to keep
the matter strictly confidential.
It is only Nigeria that you will see a man selling in hold up a bookwith title " Hw to grow rich in 5 days". Why has he not read the book?
ReplyDelete@PRO, this post is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAfter all dis long story....my question goes thus::you yourself,you don hammer?
ReplyDelete