SEXUAL ABUSE: “WE ARE ALL CONCERNED” - VALENTINE BARON NWORAH

(From the book of Jacques and Claire Poujol, marriage and family counselors: "Handbook of helping relationship: the spiritual and psychological," Footprint Present Time, 1998.)

Whether you know it or not, someone you know was once sexually abused. And if you shrink, you soon see that the difficulties of a number of people find their origin here. For these men and women bruised, there will always be a "before" and "after" abuse. Our society often prefers to ignore this problem, mitigated, or even deny it completely. Yet, full of goodwill but also incompetence, it is proposed to victims "solutions" that only aggravate their trauma. We answer in this article a few questions: What is sexual abuse? What are the damages caused by sexual abuse? Why is it so difficult for victims to talk about their experiences? Who are the abusers? How to help the victim cope?

WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE?

(A constraint or a contact)

Sexual abuse is any constraint (verbal, visual or mental) or physical contact, by which a person uses a child, teenager or adult, in the aim of sexual stimulation, either for himself/herself or that of a third person. A physical contact is certainly more serious than a verbal coercion. But we must be aware that any abuse is a violation of the sanctity and integrity of the human person and always causes trauma.

* The verbal constraint means direct sexual solicitation, the use of sexual terms, subtle seduction, and insinuations (innuendo). All of this vis-à-vis a person who does not wish to hear them.

* The visual constraint concerns the use of pornography, any emphasizing look on certain parts of the body, the act of undressing oneself, to appear naked or perform sexual act at the sight of someone. Again, without the person’s wish.

* The psychological stress or mental constraint means the violation of borders between the relational and sexual (an excessive interest in the sex of one’s child) or between the physical and sexual (repeated enemas, an overemphasis on the physical development of a teenager).

* Physical contact can be enough serious (kissing, touching the body through clothing whether by force or otherwise, with or without psychological or emotional pressure), severe (touching or manual penetrations, simulated sex, and genital contact, all with or without physical violence), or very severe (rape, anal or oral, obtained in any manner whatsoever, by force or not).

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR VICTIMS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES?

Five reasons can be noted:

Firstly, it sometimes takes a long time for them to realize that they were abused.

Secondly they feel guilty. In his heart, without saying so openly, the person thinks: Is it that it wasn’t just my fault? Is it that I wouldn’t have avoided it? Placed in my position, would someone else have managed to resist, to struggle, to escape?

Thirdly, they feel talking about it might cost them dearly. Each time the abused person revisits the horror of his/her past; he/she must pay a high price. Trying to "forget" the abuse, to turn the page, they had built a balance, for example with relatives. If the abused person decides to get to the truth, it might disrupt this balance and create artificial pressures from his relatives.

Fourthly, they suffer from shame. The philosopher, John Paul Sartre said about shame that it is the "hemorrhage of the soul." Sexual abuse marks the abused with a red hot iron, disgraces him/her, and pushes him/her to hide from others. Shame is a mixture of fear of rejection and anger toward the abuser, which dare not speak.

Fifthly, they suffer from contempt/scorn. Feeling ashamed, the abused person has two solutions: to despise himself/herself or to despise the abuser and those who resemble him. In both cases, the result is the same: they destroy themselves, because self-hatred or hatred for others is both destructive. Contempt of oneself can affect the victim’s body, his/her sexuality, their need for love, purity, and trust. Self-contempt has four functions: it eases their shame, suppresses their aspirations to intimacy and tenderness (self-contempt anaesthetizes one’s desire), gives the victims the illusion of controlling their pains and prevents them from seeking recovery for themselves. When self-contempt is very intense, it can grow to bulimia, violence against oneself and suicide; in these three cases, the victim chastens his/her own body because he/she exists and has desires.

WHAT ARE THE DAMAGES CAUSED BY SEXUAL ABUSE?

These damages form a raging torrent sweeping away everything in the soul, and which includes: the feeling of helplessness, one of been betrayed and feelings of ambivalence, and several other symptoms.

1. The feeling of helplessness.

Sexual abuse was imposed on the victim. That it happened once or a hundred times, with or without violence, does not change the fact that he/she was deprived of his/her freedom of choice. He/she couldn’t have helped the situation. As a result, the abused person loses the esteem of himself/herself, doubts his/her talent and feels weak. He/she gives up all hope. The victim numbs his soul so as never to feel pains, rages, desire or joy, and thus, he/she becomes as if dead. He/she buries and represses in his unconscious the memories of the horrific sexual assault. He/she loses the sense of existence, seems foreign to his soul and its history. He/she looses the art of discernment about human relations, explaining that victims of sexual abuse often fall under the thumb of a pervert, reinforcing their sense of powerlessness.

2. The sense of betrayal.

Many people ignore the name of the other eleven apostles, but know Judas, the traitor. Why? Because most people believe that nothing is more odious than to be betrayed by someone who was supposed to love you and respect you. The abused person feels betrayed not only by the abuser in whom he/she might have trusted, but also by those who, through negligence or complicity, did not intervene to stop the abuse. The consequences of betrayal are: extreme distrust and suspicion, especially against the most amiable people; loss of hope of being close and intimate with others and to be protected in the future, since those in power have not done it; the impression that if he/she has been betrayed, it was because he/she deserved it, because of a defect in his body or his character.

3. The feeling of ambivalence.

It is to feel two conflicting emotions at once. Here, the ambivalence revolves around negative feelings (shame, pain, impotence) that have sometimes been accompanied by the simultaneous pleasure, whether relational (a compliment), sensual (a hug), or sexual (touching of sexual organs), in the early stages of abuse. The fact that the pleasure is sometimes associated with pain causes considerable damage: the person feels responsible for having been abused, since he/she "cooperated" in it by taking pleasure, the remembrance of the attack can come back during conjugal intercourse, he/she fails to flourish in her sexuality which is for him/her too tied to the evil of the abuser. The victim controls and even prohibits pleasures and therefore his sexual desire.

4. Some other symptoms.

One will think of a possible sexual abuse if the victim:

- Suffers from recurring depression.

- Manifests sexual problems: lack of desire, disgust, frigidity, impotence, fear or contempt for men or women, afraid to marry, compulsive masturbation, homosexuality. In children, the disorder of auto-eroticism, and certain enuresis, may suggest sexual abuse.

- Destroys him/herself by the misuse of alcohol, drugs or food. Obesity, in particular, allows young girls or women who were raped to go, unconsciously, less attractive and thus protect themselves against another attack.

- Suffers from stomach pains, gynecological infections repeatedly.

- Has a style of relationship with others very characteristic: either he/she is too nice to everyone, or he/she is inflexible and arrogant, or finally it is superficial and fickle.

HOW TO HELP THE VICTIM COPE?

The victims should learn to stop listening to the inner voices that holds them in guilt and shame; and start listening to the voice of truth, which will lead them to liberation. They should also learn to abandon the dead ends that well-meaning but incompetent persons propose to them, such as to deny the abuse, minimize it, forget it, forgive the guilty without him/her being seriously repented, turn the page, stop complaining, etc... The road leading to wellness involves two steps: confronting the reality, and deciding to relive.

1. Confronting the reality.

The person will gradually recover memories of abuse, recognize the damage and feel the feelings appropriate.

2. Deciding to relive.

Why must a victim of sexual abuse decide to revive him/herself, after all that he/she has suffered and is still suffering? This is simply because it is better for him/her to choose life and not death. Choose to relive could mean: refuse to die or to be dead, refuse to be wary, do not fear pleasure and passion, and dare to love again. By doing so, he/she will discover that, though one or more persons betrayed the vast majority of others are trustworthy.

WHO ARE THE ABUSERS?

Overwhelmingly, they are young men and women or men and women from all social classes and all backgrounds. Often they are part of the victim’s entourage: a friend, a neighbor, a scout leader or a youth worker, a babysitter, a teacher, a boss, a work colleague, a priest, etc... They are also often family members: father, uncle, grandfather, great-uncle, stepfather (more frequently due to the increase in remarriages and blended families), brother, stepbrother or quasi brother, brother-in-law, cousin, etc… This is known as incest or intrafamilial sexual abuse. This is, more rarely, a person unknown to the victim. It should be noted that 80% of abusers were themselves abused in the past, which does not excuse at all, but may partly explain their immoral behavior.

In conclusion, every one of us should have at heart the importance of forming oneself in this particular area, because we will need, now or in the future, to take care of those who have suffered this tragedy that is sexual abuse.